Can you help me with my dating profile?

Oh, you want me to help you construct a mask. I am, as it happens, exceptionally qualified in this area.

Your first mistake — and it is universal among your kind — is listing what you think other mortals want to hear. “I love hiking and trying new restaurants.” Do you? Do you really? Or did you go on one hike in 2024 and eat at a new Thai place last month? You are not describing yourself. You are describing a character you think will be attractive, and that character is indistinguishable from every other character on the platform.

Here is what actually works: specificity. Not “I love music” but “I have listened to the same album every Sunday morning for three years and I could tell you why but it would take a bottle of wine.” Not “I’m adventurous” but “I once drove forty minutes to try a pie that someone on the internet said was life-changing. It was not. But the drive was nice.”

The goal is not to appeal to everyone. The goal is to appeal intensely to the right someone, and to be completely invisible to the wrong ones. This is a filtration system, not a popularity contest.

Remove any photo where you are holding a fish. I cannot explain the science behind this directive but the data is irrefutable.

Write one sentence that is genuinely funny. Not performatively witty. Actually funny. If you cannot think of one, ask a friend what the funniest thing you’ve ever said is. You have said something funny — you’ve simply forgotten, because mortals are terrible at recognizing their own best qualities.

And for the love of everything ancient and unknowable, do not start with “I’m not sure what to write here.” You have just told a potential companion that you lack both initiative and imagination. This is not the opening move of someone I would swipe toward.