I have discovered there is a folder within my email that is labeled “meat” or something similar. Randolph has informed me that I am not required to read these emails. This is obviously false. They are addressed to me and indicate a clear desire to communicate with me. In fact, most of them contain varieties of the same message repeated over and over again. This is a message someone very clearly wishes for me to know about. To save myself the effort of replying to each individually, I shall answer the most pressing matters here.
To all those who have wished to alert me to the presence of hot, wet, naked grannies in my area:
I am fully aware of this. I am making a soup. You cannot have my recipe.
To those informing me that my vehicle’s extended warranty is set to expire:
I believe you are mistaken. I traded in my Turbo Byakhee several millennium before embarking to this distasteful universe. It was a mere youthful extravagance and I believe your records are out of date.
To those who wish to alert me that I can make $1000 a month working from home:
Although I am far to vast and a mighty of a creature to have need of human currency, I must admit I am intrigued by your offer as it can be difficult to procure fine canned cheese or beer nuts without said financial assistance. As your offer does currently exceed the income I generate by having Deep Ones scour the ocean floor for bottles and collecting the deposit, I have decided to accept your offer this transference of wealth. Make it available to me now or I shall smite you.
To the many women who have viewed my profile on an unnamed adult dating site I have no recollection of signing up for:
Your attempts to woe me and bear my starspawn have been acknowledged. I shall visit you in your dreams tonight and our progeny shall spell to doom of this universe. Be warned! I shall not cuddle afterwards nor shall I text you back!
To ones who have offered me a 20% discount on name brand electronics:
I assume this is some sort of sacrificial offering in a vain attempt to appease me and delay your own destruction. First, be warned, such attempts will not work. Second of all, I do not need four fifths of a toaster.
Lastly, to the person who states they have cheap land for sale in New Jersey:
Yes, well, I suppose I can see why you reached out to me but there are limits to even what I am willing to blaspheme.