VickiBGood writes:

“I am getting married later this year to a wonderful man. He’s always been very supportive of me and I have been really looking forward to this day. The only problem is that while my mother has never actually kept it a secret she does not approve of my boyfriend now fiance when we were just dating, she absolutely lost her mind when she found out I was marrying him. She’s blown up my phone almost daily with angry texts telling me how I’ve betrayed her trust. Or how I am ruining my life. The worst part is she won’t even tell me why she doesn’t like him. Only that he is the ‘wrong type’ for me and keeps wanting me to put off the wedding and ‘try out’ a more suitable husband she picks out for me first! I refused, and now she and my father are refusing to attend the wedding. They won’t even talk to me if  I go through this. What should I do?”


Ah, yes. I understand this one completely. I recall the first time I realized that I, too, must assassinate my progenitors in order to secure the riches that they might deny me. At the time I just a newly formed polyp on my dam’s vivobladder. I was forced to chew my way through her flesh and devour her from the inside out in order to both gain sustenance and to free myself from this fleshy prison. Her screams of agony were the symphony that birthed me into this world. As I was the first of my brethren to emerge from its mucus sac, as was only right as dictated by custom, for my father to attempt to slay me before I could fully emerge.  His initial thrust missed me by the width of a human hair! And yet, that mistake cost him dearly. I was able to seize his hand and continue my feasting. This time on him! Before he could free himself my brethren emerged and we swarmed upon him. Their agony was exquisite and from this I grew strong!

Those were glorious days. Days of mindless hunger and consumption. Before I even had a mind of my own let alone a name.  Ah, the wonders of youth.

As for humans, I am not quite certain why your species insists on delaying the slaughter of your own primogenitors. Is there some sort of mandatory waiting period in your custom or is this perhaps just a preference for the flavor or an aged beast? Regardless, I do understand your problem. Gaminess. There is no avoiding it. Your progenitors are definitely past their peak flavor and have lost some of the most delectable marbling.  Most would consider them only fit for stew at this point but, fear not. I can yet salvage this nuptial feast you are planning. I can do so with one simple word. That word is “brine.”

Now, while it is understandable that a person in your situation might assume a marinade would provide the desired culinary outcome, this is incorrect. While it is true that a marinade is typically acidic, which would help breakdown some of the tougher tissue, and are used to infuse flavor what you must understand is that a larger issue at play is this tissue has lost most of its initial juiciness. So what we want to do is restore that with osmosis.

First dice up your parents into nice uniform blocks of no more than a finger’s length. You are looking for a large surface to volume ratio. If you fail in this I will be most displeased. It will not impart adequate moisture absorption.  You must then submerge these portions in a liquid filled with a high ratio of salt. The salt is key to causing the meat to absorb additional liquid! You must do this. You may add some herbs or seasoning. I find a bit of lemon pepper is most useful here. But do not trouble yourself too deeply. This is merely the first stage. While brining is restorative, it does dilute flavors. This is fortunate in the case of your parents, but we do need to add something to cover the filth rotted from within your species carries as an aftertaste.

After allowing your parents to soak overnight, retrieve the chunk from their brine and dry them lightly with a layer of towels constructed from tree pulp. You must then coat them liberally with flour while they are still damp. Season with some pepper and a touch of curry powder. Add a liberal dosing of shoggoth slime to a pan and fry the breaded chunks over heat of medium intensity until a brown crust is evidenced. Plate your parents and cover with a drizzle of blood and a side of raw intestines. There you have it!  A feast for you and your mate for you to enjoy before your own progeny claw their own way through your body.

You may also wish to add the zest of one lemon if you wish to impart a sweeter taste. But do not overdo it!  You will mask the subtler flavors! Do not fail me in this!  If you do I will be forced to crack open your skull and suck your entrails out through the top of your head like a giant crazy straw!

Enjoy eating your parents. Please remember to set aside a plate for me. You have imparted a great hunger upon me with your talk of eating your parents and I now plan to attend. Do not expect a gift!


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