Jennie89 writes:

“Oh Divine One. The Great Blasphemer and He Who Lies Dreaming. I seek your council!

“Three year ago I entered a serious relationship with a man who was no good for me. I did so because it felt as if my life was in a tailspin and, although I knew he had a jealous streak and could be controlling, he did offer something I desperately needed. Stability. He has a good job and he’s not going anywhere. I felt secure in my place with him and, to his credit, the parts of my life that felt so out of control without him felt more grounded. But, that stability seemed to come at the cost of my identity. He felt he had the right to choose my friends for me as he claimed the ones I had picked were a ‘bad influence’ and he constantly monitored my phone to see who I was talking to. I had to account for every minute of my day to his satisfaction. He was so suspicious of me and it felt as if I was always on trial and had to prove my innocence over and over again.

“Six months ago I realized how much being with him was costing me. I had not spoken to my own mother in over a year as I was too afraid of what he might do if he found out. I felt unworthy of him and was too ashamed of who I had become to reach out to anyone for help. I made the difficult choice to break things off with him. Now here I am, trying to make it on my own, and it feels like I am starting to loose it again.  So, I beseech you, Oh Vast and Mighty Cthulhu, what should I do?  I know you plan on feasting on all of us and that all of human existence is a mere transient triviality so one such as yourself. So,, before I am devoured in an orgy of madness and destruction, should I return the small shadow of comfort offered by this man? Or should I risk the potentially greater pain of trying to make it on my own?”

Dear Jennie89,

Thank you for your kind letter. Your shall be among the first to die when I slaughter all life on this planet in an orgy of madness and despair and your pathetic attempts to appease me with pointless flattery will not go unnoticed. I’m totally going to get around to doing that. Just not today. But, really. I’m all over that.

As for what to do about your boyfriend, that is a tough one. Mostly because your fleeting life is so pitiful and inconsequential as to be of little bother to me. But also I have had Randolph assist me in procuring something he calls “basic cable” in R’lyeh. While I know little of human technology, emotions, or need for continued existence there is something called the “Lifetime Channel” that I have been observing that appears to go into great detail about some of these matters.  As I understand it, you are under the impression that if you return to this “boyfriend” he may continue a cycle of suspicion and abuse and that approximately thirty twenty minutes later a woman shall attempt to sell you pine scented floor cleaner. I know not the purpose of this woman but she continues to interrupt my viewing and it does displease me! She is obviously some pathetic hero in your world. Her challenges to my authority and insults to the cleanliness of my floor have been noted and my wrath will be severe!

In the meantime, based upon all that I care to learn about your existence, I suggest you develop something that your internet literature refers to as a “revenge body.” According to these articles – at least what I can ascertain from such an unworthy tool of communication – the goal after a breakup is to make your former lover truly regret his or her misfortune in losing you by reshaping yourself.  If you spend the next half year or so working towards this goal and apply yourself to learning sufficient martial arts and assassination techniques then, when you do exercise your revenge, I suggest doing so in a manner befitting of the subject.  Quick maybe clean but it is hardly satisfactory. Enjoy your smiting and savor it much as you would a Hot Pocket marinated in the blood of a young goat with a side of lightly boiled Pabst Blue Ribbon.

After savoring the screams of the dying and damned, you should just go out there and find yourself a new boyfriend! Your work in what brings wealth can be achieved by rapidly shaking it as you would an infant in its crib, if I understand the terminology correctly,  and this is somehow intended to attract others. A mating ritual, I assume. Although, to be honest, I have little interest in your mating practices save for adding more souls for me to feast upon. Until that day, you should make the best of what little time you have left and find a person who does not mistreat you as it only cheapens the misery I will subject you to if you already have experience. Visit a local alcohol and debauchery dispenser, perhaps, or perhaps find a cult of like minded assassins and seek among their numbers for a potential mate.

I care not for your pitiful existence. I do not wish you well. I have nothing but contempt for you and all your kind.

Yours maliciously,

Cthulhu

I believe I am to sign off with a kissy face here. Where do you find such a picture to insert?

I shall provide a link to one instead! My will shall not be denied by a mere human device!  Here is a face that kisses, wretched humans

 

EDIT:

According to Randolph my understanding of what a “revenge body” actually is was both incomplete and drew upon faulty assumptions. I have smashed him beneath a boulder for his insolence. 

I’ll resurrect him later. But, honestly. Does he take me for a fool? Revenge. Body. It’s right there in the name. Does he think I cannot read?

 

 

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